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April 1, 2020 11:42 am

I never envisioned that my sense of self worth would be judged on how many rolls of loo roll I have stocked. (24). Well, probably 23 after you finish reading this as my boyfriend just had his morning coffee. 

Corona Lockdown does feel slightly like we are all serving part of Harvey Weinstein’s 23 year sentence. It wouldn’t surprise me if we actually are. That’s how powerful he is. He’s also somehow managed to get all women to take their bras off in the process. And wear his trademark attire. If you’re anything like me, you spend most of the day in your dressing gown trying to lure amazon delivery men against their consent into your home. I can still hear the terrified screams, ‘please don’t touch me madam!’ Harvey might be in prison with Coronavirus but his legacy lives on. His corruption knows no bounds. 

Its not just Weinstein’s sentence and the fact that we are all now effectively in a prison (of our own thoughts) thats got me thinking. I’ve started to question everything. I’ve become quite the existentialist thinker. Einstein said his happiest thought was his Theory of Relativity. (Kind of feel bad for his kids, there). I’ve had some pretty moving thoughts of my own during lockdown. 
Like:

Existential Question Number 1:

Who Am I? 
Without my job, (performing comedy) and without being able to do my hobbies (drunken brunches) I am just this woman who sits in her flat and occasionally goes out for a walk. Ok fine, I am a woman who sits in her flat and gets drunk and orders a lot of Amazon Prime. We are no longer defined by our jobs or by how many mimosas we have had at brunch*.  Now we are defined by how well we have decorated the one wall in our homes that we use to Houseparty.
*(11=happy and fun 15=sad and tragic)

Existential Thought Number 2:

The concept of Time no longer exists.

I’ve always wanted to live in a world where I can go to bed at whatever time I want and get up whenever I want because no-one is expecting me to be anywhere. All is asked of us is that we have our upper half dressed by 9am for that Zoom conference call. 

Existential Thought Number 3:

The concept of FOMO no longer exists. I am jealous of no one right now. Its, quite frankly, freeing.  

Existential Thought Number 4

We’re all going to come out of this looking like Julian Assange aren’t we? 

Existential Thought Number 5

I want to be content not CONTENT
Everyone is now so bored that grown adults over the age of 35 are downloading Tik-Tok*. Comedians are doing gigs in their living rooms. (I have one of Friday!) The problem with doing a comedy gig from your living room is it feels a bit like someone is watching youmasterbate and not giving you any feedback on it.

*I must say though I am rather enjoying all the couples making Tik-Tok videos because its either do that or get a divorce.

Existential Thought Number 6

 I wonder what the effect of all these cancelled flights will have on the planet? Maybe it means our great grandkids will get an extra 20 years. Conspiracy theorists everywhere (middle aged white guys) now think Corona was orchestrated by Greta Thunberg. 

Existential Thought Number 7

I am finally neither busy, nor tired.
Remember when we were all so busy and tired that people would write articles about everyone being busy and tired? Ahh memories.

Now we’re all doing what all of us once dreamed of when we were overworked: Nothing. 

Nothing. Just the sound of our own thoughts. Isn’t it amazing how self isolation will make you turn to solipsism?

Now who said, ‘Man makes plans . . . and Coronavirus laughs’?