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April 4, 2015 1:35 pm

With today’s rocketing unemployment rate, Zayn Malik is a crazy dick for resigning from One Direction. So much of a crazy dick that he should change his name to Zany Phallic. Unless you’ve been living under a rock this past week you will know all about Zayn breaking millions of One Directioner’s hearts by terminating his contract with Syco Records and bidding farewell to the gorgeous Harry Styles, the cheeky faced Louis Tomlinson and………and……….the other two. To be honest, I’d like to take a bit of credit for this whole debacle, as back in 2007 I was a Teaching Assistant at Zayn’s school and actually taught him, all he has to know: Performing Arts. That and when things get tough: quit.

In a statement he issued to the Press he said he was quitting to pursue a ‘normal life’. If he really wants a ‘normal life’ someone should remind him to pick up his P45 from One Direction, because it’s a right pain in the arse getting paid from your next job if you don’t have that. Someone should also remind him that when he signs on the dole, not to confuse’ JSA’ with ‘JLS’, his former colleagues.

Shortly after this shocking revelation, he was seen with his fiancée Perrie Edwards, (the blonde one from Little Mix, remember them? They were…..*falls asleep) looking at £3 million pound houses. Now, everyone blames Perrie for him walking. To be fair, she’s a great incentive, I’m a comic and every comic’s dream is to win a Perrie Reward, oh no sorry I meant a Perrier Award……….. Anyway where was I, oh yes, they were looking at £3 million houses in the northern hemisphere of the UK. Not in Bradford, where Zayn is from, because looking at a £3 million house in Bradford simply would not be possible. The most convincing Estate Agent in the world could not convince you that there are £3 million houses in Bradford. Oh don’t get me wrong, Bradford is pure class, Pure Working Class. FYI- I can make jokes about Bradford because my Mum lives there. Its a bit like if you’re a certain race you can be racist. Only Joking, nobody can be racist and get away with it, except of course if you’re Jeremy Clarkson………

Which brings me swiftly to my next subject of this blog. Old Bobby Dazzler Jezzer ClARSEkson. So anyway, Zayn wasn’t the only one to find himself without a job. Jeremy Clarkson also this week wished Top Gear a ‘Bon Voyage’. Well, maybe, not quite as eloquently as that. He didn’t jump, he was pushed. Pushed for punching a producer in the face because he didn’t get his steak and chips. He must have been on his Meriod (Man Period)- I often want to punch people when I am hungry on my period too. (Although I don’t because I’m not a prat). But lets be fair, ‘Hanger’ is a hard emotion to conquer. Although those third world countries don’t seem to be all that violent……………So he got the sack. Which is actually quite an accomplishment. I mean the BBC didn’t even sack Jimmy Saville for his hideous crimes. I thought the BBC were easy game! But, turns out they’re not. So Jeremy and Top Gear are no longer synonymous. But this whole thing got me thinking
If ‘All Good Things Must Come To An End’ then how come Jeremy Clarkson’s Career is over? Beats me.

Everyone on Twitter, was linking both terminations of contract, and coming to the conclusion that Zayn should be the new presenter of Top Gear and Jeremy should be the fifth member of One Direction. But personally, I feel that Top Gear should be scrapped (no pun intended) in favour of a more pro feminist television show. Ladies and gents, I propose: ‘Top Smear’, presented by Angelina Jolie (because she is pioneering about all this female stuff at the mo), in which 3 different female celebs each week, rate their top smear tests of all time while at the same time raising awareness for Ovarian Cancer. No? Too soon?

Or perhaps, another feminist angle would be Top Rear, presented by Kim Kardshian, lets face it she’s got her whole career behind her. If any BBC commissioners are reading this blog, then I am willing to discuss the above in more detail. I think a Pro Feminist Prime Time BBC Show would be great. I mean who says that men have all the power? I mean its not like God is like a man or anything. I tell you what: Men don’t have all the power. They only think they do. Women have all the power. Man Power? If a man is making something move its because he is being pushed by a woman.

But in all seriousness, Zayn (moved by Perrie, a WOMAN) and Jeremy’s departures have got me thinking about the value of people’s jobs. And the amount they contribute to society through their work. David Cameron recently revealed that he was Kim Kardashian’s 13th cousin. And in fact, this is unsurprising as they both share similar family traits, like they both have the same work ethic. In the fact that they both do nothing.

Recently Dave Cameron was seen on a Reality TV Show, like his cousin Kim, fracasing (got that word from Jeremy) with Ed Milliband on Channel 4’s Hit show ‘The Battle For Number Ten’. To be honest if If they want a free house that badly one of them should just get themselves pregnant. Worked for my mate, Chantelle. Seriously, do we even need to work any more? We can get so much stuff for free these days. Like, the best stuff, the best stuff in life is free. Like, the Contraceptive Pill. Its sad though, isn’t it? As having a job gives you worth, gives you a purpose. But so may people don’t have a work ethic and sit around all day not contributing to society;

But on the other hand everyone is so judgemental of people not pulling their weight. Like the Monarchy for example, are forever being scrutinised. I don’t know why people are so anti Monarchy. The Royal Family work really hard. For example the other day Kate Middleton visited the set of Downton Abbey.

People need to remember that we all contribute in different ways. Times have changed and the Working World is different to that of our fore fathers. Some people sing in boy bands, some people present TV shows and say racist nursery rhymes, some people who aren’t in touch with reality choose to appear in reality shows, some people marry princes, some people punch producers, some people grow their arses really big, some people film sex tapes, some people marry footballers, some people manipulate the State Benefit System, some people live off their Trust Fund,…….. Its all WORK. Take ‘Goop’ for example. A website. on which, Gwyneth Paltrow tells the world how she has ‘consciously uncoupled’ from that dude from Cold Play, (which suggests that she wasn’t conscious throughout her marriage to him). To be fair, most women aren’t conscious through their very first marriage, e.g Kim Kardashian, Liza Manelli. Gwyneth also works on her website to inform us all of the incredibly vital information: that she lets off steam, by she steaming her vagina. No wonder her website is called ‘Goop’ if she feels the need to steam her own vagina. But nonetheless, my point is, is that she works hard, in her own way.

So with the clocks going back this past Saturday, lets start thinking forward. And redefine the the meaning of ‘Work’. Lets do a Missy Elliott and ‘Work it, can you work it. Is it worth it, let me work it, put my thing down, flip it and reverse it.’ Because we all work in different ways. And we only need to ask one question I guess, ‘What is your job worth?’