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September 17, 2014 8:49 pm

I’m usually a ‘Yes’ person. I like to say ‘Yes’ a lot. For example, ‘A large glass of wine, madame?’ ‘Yes’. I’m a glass: fully large sort of person. However, regarding Scottish Independence, I’m a ‘No’. Mainly because I believe that Scotland makes the UK look cool. They are like England’s cooler older sister, rebelling, drinking, out all hours, getting battered, experimenting with androgynous fashion, getting so out of it they see monsters in lakes…… If we lose Scotland, let’s face it all we are left with is an uptight, scared, feeble, embarrassing, spotty younger sibling who’s allergic to nuts. Quite simply without Scotland, we are BORING.

Another reason I don’t want Scotland to leave us, (Daddy, please don’t go!) is that being a comic I frequent The Edinburgh Festival. There is ENOUGH admin in getting an Edinburgh Show together as it is than worrying about whether my Passport is still in date. Really, Scotland, on your own, I mean what are you going to call yourselves? ‘S-NOTland’ that just sounds gross.

So, Scotland say they have Oil which they could use for independent economic growth? They are right. There is a lot of Oil in Scotland, but if its the type of Oil that’s used in chippies to deep fry Mars Bars then its not quite as profitable. We’re better together…………let’s BATTER together!

Scotland is like a rebellious teenager, storming out and trying to make it on their own. You just know though, once they run out of money, they’ll be back, asking us to wash their dirty laundry.

So that’s why I say ‘No’. Just like you would if you got approached by Ewan McGregor (Scottish) in Trainspotting, propositioning you for Drugs. Just Say ‘No’. I think the main mistake Scotland are making is like a teenage, single mother wanting a free council flat, they think that if they are single they get more benefits. This is not the case. All you’ll get is a couple of cool things in the divorce settlement like Billy Connoly and kilts.  They can keep Gillian Mcheath and Duncan Bannatyne. (The Health Industry is is clearly not something they excel in).

 So come on you Scots VOTE ‘NO’ this Thursday!!
Albeit if worse case scenario happens and Scotland do break up with the Mother Land, I plan in true divorce style, avidly visiting at weekends via cheap deals on Groupon.