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September 12, 2013 10:55 am

This week I learnt a new word. And it didn”t occur while watching an episode of Countdown or doing The Guardian Crossword or watching Q.I or…… errr, downloading that app where you learn a new word everyday….. (I don”t do Apps, I am not “Appy”, I DON”T HAVE AN I PHONE, OK???!!!). Ahem……………It happened while perusing “The Mail Online TV & Showbiz News”. (Don”t judge me).

Now more often than not when “perusing” The Mail Online I am more often than not: at work. I don”t read it in my spare time I”am NOT THAT sad. I “peruse” it when I”m bored. OK, maybe sometimes, I check it out when I”m at home alone, between the ad breaks of “Kourtney and Khloe Take New York” (Its like Keeping Up With The Kardashians but more “cosmopolitian”) *cosmopolitan-we see them get drunk and party. But anyway as I was saying, when I go on “The Mail Online TV & Showbiz News” I don”t read, I “peruse” and what I mean by “peruse” is: I “scroll”. Quite often than not I find myself scrolling for quite sometime trying to find a name that I know. (Who the fuck is Cara Delevigne by the way?!) Anyway one day as I was scrolling, I saw the word, and its a great word- “Twerking”. Now, I didnt have time to read the full article because the opening credits of “Kourtney and Khloe Take New York” had just come on, so I left the word “Twerking” to dissolve into my mind.

It was at that point that my subconscious mind (i know, deep right?) had chosen to come up with its own meaning of the word “twerking”. Now in my defence, we come from a generation where it is perfectly acceptable to hybrid two words together. For example: Brangelina (Brad and Angelina), Bennifer (Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck), Kimye (Kim and Kanye), Kwills (Kate and Wills-ok that never did catch on) etc. So in this respect it is no wonder I assumed that “Twerking” was Tweeting at Work.

OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

It was not until I casually quipped the following to a highly bemused and confused girlfriend of mine that I realised the acute severity of my error:

“Oh yeah…..I always twerk. I twerk all day. I love twerking. When my boss isn”t looking I”m twerking all the frigging time.”

“Really?” my girlfriend replied. (Aside: the fact that I am using the term “girlfriend” (and “frigging”) proves that I really should stop watching episodes of “The Kardashians”). But anyway the scene continues and dialogue resumes as thus:

Me: Yeah, I tweet at work, like all the time.
GF: Errrr, dude twerking isnt tweeting at work.
Me: It isnt?
GF: No.

And then to my horror she got her iPhone5s phone out (snobby bitch) downloaded some sort of You Tube App thing and there it was.

Miley Cyrus.

Twerking.

Teddy Bears.

Twerking.

Miley Cyrus” tongue.

Twerking.

Miley Cyrus”s arse.

Twerking.

Scary weird costume.

Twerking.

Flesh coloured underwear.

Twerking.

Billy Ray Cyrus” soul dying.

Twerking.

Billy Ray Cyrus” achey breaky heart actually breaking.

Twerking.

Twerking.

Twerking.

And MORE Twerking.

Twerking wasnt tweeting at work. Twerking was Beyonce Knowles” character booty-liscious dance move CORRUPTED and performed to an X RATED LEVEL (whilst swiveling onto a real or imaginary phallic vessel). Miley had brought new meaning to the phrase “Like it then you should have put a ring on it.”

Forget losing my virginity. My innocence was destroyed watching Miley Cyrus” VMA Performance 2013.
But hey, its the VMA”s, you”re nothing if you”re not controversial. I just wished she”d gone more lesbian snog (reminiscent of Britney and Madonna) controversial rather than……..well……. bumming us out. It was just too much, I just thank my lucky stars Cheryl Cole wasn”t on stage, with her own recently tattooed derriere joining in with the twerking. I think my mind would have quite possibly exploded.

Now I don”t mean to get all preachy teachy feminsim on y”all. (Miley Cyrus”s Deep South accent is catchy sorry), but what message does Miley”s near naked, romping, insatiable grinding and groping have on the youth of today, hey? The youth of today that until recently only saw Miley on squeaky clean Disney”s “Hannah Montanna”. Talk about coming of age. This Texan gal appears to want us to go deep south in her asse. (Sorry).

But dear me, I mean not to sound like your Gran but I do worry, I really do. I thought the natural progression from being a Disney child star was a couple of DUI mug shots leaked to the Press and checking into Rehab like Lindsay Lohan? Lindsay never made me spit my dinner out and worry about the psychological effect on young girls” body images and sexual ideologies. I really wish Miley did a “Lindsay” to indicate her coming of age instead of this ridiculous publicity stunt. And I would far rather my fashion choices be influenced by an orange jumpsuit rather than a glow in the dark teddy bear one piece and flesh coloured underwear.

But the main thing that annoyed me about her VMA performance was that it seemed to have no deep artistic intention, no sincere directing vision, no point to it, no meaning, no symbolic or thematic thread, no motif, story, moral or message other than get your clothes off, romp around on the stage and lick stuff. Wow. Profound. NOT.

And its for that reason: I”m out. But wait! Wait! So quick to judge! OK, her VMA left me in dismay and disarray. But even though it was “blates” a publicity stunt -you”ve got to hand it to Miley it sure did work. I wouldn”t be writing this blog if it didn”t You cant deny people are talking about her. More importantly people are You Tubing her (don”t worry that”s not a Euphemism). Her VMA Performance caused an internet frenzy and BOOM all of a sudden we want more Miley, more! Give us more!

Whats that you have a single out? DING DONG. You gotta hand it to the girl. She”s worked it. I take it back her VMA Performance does have artistic intention. It is thus: get your clothes off, sex it up, be weird, bizarre, shock, cause controversy, create the ultimate publicity stunt and then once you have the crowd in the palm of your hands release your music. GENIUS.

Which moves me onto my next point: her music. OMG!!!!?? WTF!!?? ITS ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD!!! I never thought I would call Miley Cyrus” music without using inverted commas (“music”) but I just did. OK, so the video is still very raunchy and features her some might say unnecessarily naked, swinging on a Wrecking Ball and licking a sledge hammer like a porn star. BUT the song is heartfelt and in between the shots of her romping about there are some really quite beautiful moments of her up close to the camera, crying, emotional, sincere, delicate. And the video if you look beyond the sex is actually quite raw and deep (throat)….no I”m kidding, its actually quite emotive and poignant.

I just wish MC Hammer had agreed to feature in the video alongside the DIY SOS team. Now that would have really been quite something.

Watch Miley”s new video, “Wrecking Ball” here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My2FRPA3Gf8