When the penny dropped that he could see the reflection of my computer screen in the picture behind me I waited until he went out for a business meeting and I sat in his desk to grasp the full severity of the situation. By sitting at his desk I could see what his POV was of my screen. So I knew exactly what I was dealing with. I think the official term for this in Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones lingo is, ‘Damage Limitation’. What configured is that it turns out out he could full on see everything 3-6pm, but in the morning, the sun refracted his vision somewhat. I made a mental note of the part of the screen that was out of his view (sun permitting) in the morning and then minimised my Facebook screen to fit the small section of my screen that he couldn’t see when the sun was shining. I was pretty chuffed with my mathematical efforts but I did recognise that this was not a perfect situation. Perfect situation would have of course been that he could not see any of my computer screen, morning, noon and night. However, do you know what? I’m realistic. You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need. Now I know those are lyrics to a Rolling Stones song but that’s beside the point. I did need this as it changed me as a person for reasons that I explain in a few paragraphs time.

Zuckerberg should make an app called the ‘I’m on Facebook but don’t want my boss to see’ app where the screen and graphics change to like a spreadsheet, or an invoice or an Outlook email or something so that it looks like you’re doing serious work for the company you’re working for but what you’re actually doing is partaking in some top level bantz with your bezzie about what Peggy Mitchell face you are.

I found the whole debacle of my boss being able to see my computer screen from the reflection of the picture behind me so distressing. It totally changed me as a person. I became a shadow of my former self. I started actually doing my job between the hours of 3-6pm when he had full visibility. It was bizarre. My friends and family all noticed a difference. My boyfriend was like, ‘Why are you so tired all the time and talking to me about spreadsheets?’ My friends were like, ‘How come we don’t messenger anymore?’ But what could I do? It was becoming evident to me that ‘work’ would never be the same again. It was no longer ‘work’ it was actually work.

Until one fateful day, my boss had the painters and decorators in. I don’t mean he was on his period. Men don’t get periods, which some say is why women are the weaker sex, they don’t have enough iron in their bodies to work harder to earn 21 per cent more. No, what I literally mean was he had some builders in to paint and decorate the office. That week was bliss because they took the painting behind me down. For seven days, I was free to Instagram, Facebook, Tweet, ASOS, Amazon Prime, Netflix, MySpace (it was 2009),  find out my BMI, download recipes from BBC Good Food, read the Daily Mail ShowBiz news, I mean read Guardian articles, You Tube my bum off, find out which Disney princess I am (Ariel), find out which member of the Royal Family member I am (Prince Charles) and google things like ‘Who is Bella Hadid?’ and ‘Will we still be able to get panne chocolats after Brexit?’ to my heart’s content. Those seven days were truly glorious. I did more in seven days than God and Craig David ever did.

I’m ashamed to say it but I’m not one of those really hard working inspiring women like Karren Brady, Michelle Obama or Amy Childs.  My friend always has a go at reality stars like Amy Childs and Kim Kardashian. She says (of Kim Kardashian) that she doesn’t work and she does nothing, but my mate can talk, she’s an Office Manager. We all know what Office Managers do all day. They don’t work. They just watch other people work and tell them what they’re doing wrong. That’s not working, that’s complaining.

Mark Twain said “Find something you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” I think that’s why I’m on social media all day at work.

Yet some people are workaholics, I get it. They work up to 8,9, sometimes 10 hours a day. Every day. They love it, I see them on the Piccadilly line, hundreds of them in the morning, they can’t get enough of working. Working is so in Vogue at the mo. Fun fact: more people go to  work every day than attend Glastonbury Festival. That’s insane!! That reminds me I loved watching Glastonbury on the Telly this year. Everyone looked so hippy, and chilled and free and then I remembered a good proportion of them were probably Estate Agents.

One of the worst things about working is that they make you do dumb stuff like join Linkedin, make you write in your Twitter Bio ‘Views are my own and do not reflect the views of my employer’ and make tea for 5 people including someone who is off caffeine to stop their irregular heartbeat and is lactose intolerance. I mean puh-lease. No, it’s not for me, I’m sorry to disappoint you Dad, but there’s no way I’m going to end up a working girl. I just don’t see the benefit(s).

Speaking of money, I may have just made a joke about not working and living off the Welfare State, but deep down I know that isn’t, well, fair. Don’t get me wrong I’m no Tory, I was a real fan of the show Benefit Streets, I thought it was similar to Sesame Street in the fact that it was full of big birds and people learning to read. The point I’m making is I love the fact that this country has ‘Karl Marxy’ type systems like the NHS and The Dole and Incapacity Benefit and Free School Meals and Nectar points and stuff. I might not have generated any funding on Kickstarter or be a Trust Fund kid or be born with a silver spoon in my mouth or anything but deep down I know that I should work to earn my keep. I’m so bad with money though, I’m like Theresa May with money. I think it’s because we’re women. Daily Mail have nailed it with and article I saw recently entitled ‘Why Are So Many Of Us Women Useless With Money??’ Theresa May spending money on the DUP & not the NHS and firefighters and nurses and stuff is like in Sex & The City when Carrie spends money on Manolo Blahniks instead of rent. Like Carrie and Theresa May I need to work to be able to spend my money on poor decisions. So! Anyone know of any jobs where the boss can’t see my computer screen?

Out now · Daughters of the Nile

A bold multi-generational debut from Zahra Barri, exploring themes of queerness, revolution and Islamic sisterhood.

Available in paperback or ebook.

Order now