L.A Baby! The State of Our Special Relationship

March 13, 2016 2:16 pm

I never did get the whole Star Wars hype. I don’t know my Darth Vador from my Space Invaders, (remember those? 10p Tuck Shop. 1997. Those were the days). The only Star Wars I’m interested in is the ongoing feud between Amy Childs and Katy Price on the front cover of Closer magazine. (Whenever I feel insecure or lonely or sad or alone or depressed, I just read the front cover of Closer magazine and I feel so much better about myself).

With this in mind its probably not surprising to you why I was so excited and elated and enthused to go to the place where Star Wars originates. The place where celebrities are papped falling out with eachother while simultaneously falling out of cars, with no knickers on. Nowadays, no knickers is actually considered quite conservative. The Conservative MP Samantha Cameron even considered it as a style option when she showed off her kitchen to the nation in 2014. In a bid to show the public that she and the rest of the Camerons were just a normal family, with 2 normal kitchens, 1 for normal use and 1 for magazine shoots to show how normal they are.

However, the place in which I speak deems it prudish to even wear clothes. Drop the dress and give me 20 selfies please, Kim K style.

You’ve probably guessed it now. I went to L.A baby! (For some reason it’s really hard to say L.A without shouting baby at the end with your eyes wide open, like you’ve just had a jab of Botox). Now L.A (baby!!) is situated just North West of Kim Kardashian’s derrière and South of Pamela Anderson’s boobs. Both have their own unzip code. Sorry.

So L.A (baby!) is the place where people go to ‘make it’. Not to sound like a cockney taxi driver but, ‘Bit of advice, mate, cut the middle man, you wanna go straight to NYC, if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.’ But while I’m being Frank, people In L.A (baby!! Ok I’ll stop) are all trying to make it. The waitress, the taxi driver, the shop assistant, the cosmetic surgeon, the lawyer, the baker, the candlestick maker (to be fair he’s already making it)…they’re all trying to get their big break in Hollywood. If you don’t already know Hollywood is the Caucasian version of Bollywood. Don’t believe me watch the Oscars. I digress, in light of the recent all white oscar controversy, I think it proves one of either two things; that white people are either really talented or really racist. I wonder which it is?

Back to L.A. I really liked the airport. Not only was it named after a hit song by Rachel Stevens from S Club 7, but it is also named after the top method of weight loss in the city; the laxative. LAX sets the tone that everyone there is, and pardon my foul mouth, shitting themselves. Shitting themselves cos their agent only gets them auditions for Charlie Sheen sitcoms when they’ve already signed a contract to be in a Chuck Lorre sitcom, or shitting themselves because they’ve only got five more years until they are officially classed as ‘old’ in Hollywood and they receive their invisibility cloak. Oh wait, actually, your invisibility cloak is only for old women. Men can fly, that’s their superpower. I walked past an old peoples’ home in downtown L.A and felt like I’d finally found people my own age- it was full of 30 year olds eating food through straws (innocent O.J smoothies, don’t tell the Kardashians) and reminiscing about the good old days. The nineties. Hell, maybe even throwing back a good old Friends quote to show their age. Age is something to be feared in Hollywood, which could explain why so many stars join the 27 Club. Besides botox and fillers, it is one of the most successful anti ageing treatments. No one ages in Hollywood. Look at Jennifer Lopez for crying out loud, she’s 107, Latin don’t pattern. Here’s hoping Middle East don’t crease. (Thank you, thank you very much).

So they say Frankie goes to Hollywood. And they also say Frankie says relax. But I think it it’s more like Frankie Goes To Rehab. That’s where L.A and Americans alike go if they find themselves having more than 175ml of wine of an evening. Gosh, Americans really are crap at drinking. I mean they really are! Yet so many people get D.U.I s. I don’t get it. Brits don’t get D.U.I’s from drinking, they get S.T.I’s like respectable citizens. Brits don’t drive under the influence, they have perfected the art of getting totally sloshed yet still having the capability to operate their Uber app. Americans are so rubbish at drinking. I mean, they can’t even get a cup of tea right, they ice it. If my Irish Nan was around today to witness what Americans do to a cup of tea, she’d be bejesusing like there was no tomorrow, Mrs Browns Boys’ style. The only Ice Tea I’m having is in da club when I’m getting my Ja Rule on. (What?) Which reminds me Ice Tea, Ice Cube, Isis all have videos available on you tube.

My trip to L.A exposed the differences between Americans and the Brits.
The below is what I like to call a little poem what I wrote compiling British and American philosophy of life. I know its a sophisticated poem because i haven’t bothered to make it rhyme.

Americans go to Therapy.

Brits go to the pub.

Americans go to Rehab.

Brits go to the pub.

Americans get their teeth done.

Brits go to the pub.

Americans get plastic surgery.

Brits go to the pub.

But alas….hark!

Americans get sick.

Americans panic because they’ve spent all their money on therapy and rehab and getting their teeth done and plastic surgery that they can’t afford healthcare.

But alas….hark!

Brits get sick. They have spent all their money in the pub but it doesn’t matter because they have the NHS.

Ahhhhhhh.

My boyfriend is American and sometimes I think he is only with me for the free healthcare. Sometimes I feel sad about that, that he is using me for the NHS. But then I remember it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship where I have a positive effect on someone’s wellbeing. I guess what I’m trying to say is my relationship is very similar to the relationship between David Cameron and Jeremy Hunt.

They say the UK and the USA have a very special relationship. Which is code for ‘I love your mother very much, but we are not without our troubles, which is why Daddy’s going to live in a different house, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you anymore.’

If Trump gets in this is going to be one hec of a messy divorce.

People either view Trump in two ways. Either they think it’s a tactical move to outdo something or they believe it’s a fart.

Personally I’m of the latter. Going from Barack to Trump is like going from George Clooney to Wayne Rooney. Like going from Chanel no. 5 to Channel 5. ‘Cool as fuck’ to ‘Ed The Duck.’ It’s like taking one step forward and two steps back and then falling into a shit load of, er shit, and then turning an industrial fan on.

Donald Trump says he wants to make America great again. Does he mean when it was full of people migrating from Great Britain in 1607? So he’s saying immigrants are great? America has never been great. It’s not called The United States of Great America, it’s called the United States. And getting all the Mexicans and Muslims out doesn’t sound very ‘United’ to me. Building walls and divisions across borders. Is he 8 years old sharing a bedroom with his brother?

Caitlyn Jenner is a Republican. She is also Transgender. I watched her on the Ellen De Generes show, where she bizarrely stated her beliefs against gay marriage. So let me get this straight, (pun, pardoned), Caitlyn Jenner is a Transgendered Republican, who is anti equal marriage. It’s almost as if she is an old white man in the body of a sophisticated modern woman.

In the UK if you are a Republican, you are respected because it means you own a pub. There ain’t nothing Brits like more than a pub. See poem. But in the states it means you are (insert political opinion here).

I guess that’s our main difference, Brits see ‘Republican’ and see ‘booze’. The States see ‘Republican’ and see ‘Boos’.

L.A Baby! The State of Our Special Relationship

Out now · Daughters of the Nile

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