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June 28, 2013 2:18 pm

The Apple doesn”t fall far from the tree in Celeb Land. And by that I mean- young Apple-the 2004 offspring of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin is a chip off the old block. Well, probably not a chip if you believe what Gwyneth eats. More a macrobiotic sweet potato off the old block. You are what you eat after all and Apple is certainly what Gwyneth eats- so why not call your kid it, hey? That kid surely must be the apple of Gwyneth”s eye……. I”m just surprised her other kid isn”t called Quinoa or Tofu Cabbage Burger (pg 96 in Gwyneth”s cookery book).

So since 2004 and the birth of The Big Apple-(the kid”s not obese, hello its living off Tofu Cabbage Burgers)- Apple”s arrival sure was BIG news in the history of weird Celeb baby names.

Let”s face it whenever you have that conversation with your mates (and we all have it around once or twice a year), about the trend for weird baby names, someone always quips in “Oh yeah and Apple, they called their kid Apple”. It always concludes as the most ridiculous, with Romeo, Blanket, Peaches, Harper Seven and Sunday Roast, sorry Sunday Rose coming close behind.

But on 15th June 2013 this all changed. Move over Apple. There”s a new kid on the block with an even more ridiculous name than a piece of fruit. Yep. I raise you your five a day that keeps the doctor away with,(drum roll please): a geographical/compass term!! North West!! Yes, that”s right Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have names their little sproglet North West. Well you can”t say they haven”t giver her direction in life!

When I first heard of the news, I was shocked to the (Apple) core of course. I mean as you can imagine I was convinced they would name the child a name beginning with “K”. Like duh. So I was thinking along the lines of Krystal, after their favourite champagne or Kate, after their apparent obsession with Kate Middleton. Nearer to the impending birth I started to have premonitions of Natalie, but spelt with a silent “K” and shortened to Knat. Knat West. Has a certain ring to it. Sounds expensive too. But no. My predictions for a “K” name were left dumbfounded.

If only they”d spelt “North” with a silent “K” it might have satisfied me somewhat. But North?! North West!? Really!? Like seriously? According to reliable sources (Heat Magazine) the couple plan on calling North, ‘Nori’ for short. ISN’T THAT A TYPE OF SEAWEED?! Pretty sure it goes on Sushi too.

The name ‘North’ is also somewhat ironic. I mean when Kim starts breastfeeding, her boobs will be going in the opposite direction, South. And what about when North is 18 and releases her inevitable Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian style sex tape and her ex boyfriends do kiss and tells and quip “Its grim up North”. It’s just not fair on poor, poor little Nori.

I”d like to see Kim play a game of Hide and Seek on an episode of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’, with little North, and when she can”t find her go “Where are you North West?”. In the opposite direction of South East Mum!

I’m writing this blog to highlight the plight of young celebrity offspring that suffer the inevitable ill fate of weird names. Most of these children don’t have conventional names like you and I. The names are often just random words from the dictionary or worse……. not even a word. I’m calling out to you, the public. If we send just one tweet a day to celebrity couples like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West expressing our concern, our hatred, our dislike of their chosen name then we can make a difference to the lives of future celebrity children. Just one tweet a day. If we all send just one tweet a day, the constant bombardment and harassment can warn other celebrity couples against giving their children ridiculous names.

Together we can give future celebrity offspring hope. Hope for a better time at school, a better time in the Press, a better time when they write their autobiographies, a better time when they get their spin off reality show.

And as for Kim and Kanye. If you”re reading this. I”m not mad, I”m just disappointed.

NB: After this article came to press Jessica Simpson gave birth to Ace Knute with fiance Eric Johnson. Jessica and Eric- congratulations, we think that”s Ace.