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April 27, 2015 6:42 pm

Everyone should vote. Unless you’re the Queen or Russell Brand, who are both legally exempt. Russell, as we all know from that infamous Jeremy Paxman interview thinks voting is ‘futile and ultimately reinforcing the bourgeois by exploiting the working class, leading society to a complete lack of development, reinforcing the status quo thus leaving us disgruntled and dissatisfied by the intricate workings of the modern world.’ But for those of us that haven’t swallowed a Thesaurus, voting is like recycling. We all know we need to do it to save the earth from descending into a cascade of death, massacre and Boris Johnson. He does bikes and he does zip liners, let’s face it he’s more suited to a career at Go Ape.

So this week Brand released his didactic political documentary film The Emperor’s New Clothes. I feel really sorry for all the people that go thinking it’s the latest Disney release because there is no happy ending, unless you count Russell’s trip to a Thai masseuse in the DVD extras.

Russell is obviously hugely passionate about his cause. He’s essentially anti-capitalist, but in a more Dalai Lama kind of way rather than a communist dictator kind of way. So passionate is he that he even takes the time to engage with his people in the form of a Q and A at the end of each screening. This Q and A also serves as a language course for people wanting to expand their vocabulary and is accredited by Rosetta Stone and the AQA examining board. The Q and A will also further confuse you as to what Russell’s point actually is. Think of it as more of a Rhetorical Q and A, as you’ll get no actual answers.

What cannot be dismissed however is Russell’s Brand of Politics is as fast spreading and as fast flowing as his Shakespearean soliloquies.
For someone who doesn’t advocate voting, Brand sure does preach like someone trying to get votes. But maybe he just wants more followers on Twitter?

Most people recognise the importance of voting though. This stance is what I like to call ‘The Reverse Russell Brand’. Not to be confused with a sex position featured in Cosmo magazine. Although Lothario Russell has almost certainly named a sex position after himself I am sure.

But back to voting. It might not seem like it but every vote makes a difference. The butterfly effect. Tiny ripples inevitably lead to eventual change and development. I really regretted not voting in the 2002 Pop Idol for example. Maybe if I did, history would be very different. Will Young would have won and Gareth Gates wouldn’t have got cocky and lost his virginity to Jordan. She only gets with winners after all. (Peter Andre = God).

Speaking of Australians, voting is so important in Oz, that Australians make it mandatory. They also have an AV system which means that if you’re first preference isn’t possible they will do their damnedest to make sure you at least get your second choice. Rather like when I do my online grocery shop. If they don’t have my first preference of Pink Ladies then they’ll get me my second preference of Granny Smith. Both feminine at least. Cue: Tesco delivery guy quipping ‘How do you like them apples?’ *closes door in face

But choosing which party to vote for is a lot harder than choosing which party to go to. Hen party: Yes. Stag Party: No. Obvs. Voting is mainly a strategic practice of damage limitation and a tactical choice of considering the lesser of two (or several) evils. It’s better the devil you know versus better the devil you don’t. But essentially it’s a stab in the dark. A Russian Roulette of fear, an unknown trepidation and stoic realization that what you Putin, sorry, put in is not necessarily what you get out. Biggest example of this is Cameron and Clegg, a glorious combustion of Arse and Tit, side by side. Well Arse is obviously over Tit (because Tit is Deputy) and evident in the inevitable crumbling downfall, of the country falling Arse Over Tit. It’s Humpty Dumpty all over again. Except it’s normally John Prescott who gets egg on his face.

Coalition? Anyone actually order this? No, I didn’t think so. And it’s left us all with a very bitter taste in our mouths. But don’t be disillusioned by this freak voting outcome, Coalition is served Rare, (not blue as Labour never got involved). Mostly voting is a good thing which will actually reflect the views of the people. Practising democracy is a privilege and in some countries not a right. So let’s celebrate this!

So here are my thoughts and advice to help you on 7th May. You have a choice from Big Fish (National) to Little Fish (Local) in that cardboard ballot box. So dance your way to that pole(ing) station.

Firstly don’t vote UKIP. You snooze you lose, UKIP you, you blip. They are just a blip in the system. A wild card, like when Wagner got through to the Final of X Factor in 2010. No one in their right mind actually thought he stood a chance of winning. Like Farage, him being there just makes everyone else look better.

Nigel Farage isn’t even politically correct. He’s politically Wrong. Not to be confused with the first Emperor of China, Qin-Shi Huang, who was Politically Wong. (Wong means ‘King’ in Chinese).

But back to Nigel Farage. He thinks he’s Nigel Camouflage but we can all see right through him. It’s because he is so white, he needs to get some colour in him. Nigel couldn’t be PC if he tried. The closest he could come to being PC would be if he enrolled in the Police (as a Police Constable). Which reminds me I once had a PC check out my PC from PC World to make sure it was PC. Now that is PC gone mad.

But I’m getting distracted again by puns, the main reason I don’t like Ukip is because they don’t like people of colour. And some of my best friends are Orange. I mean it would be really sad if The Only Way Is Essex got cancelled. It would if Ukip got into power. It would be a very sad thing if there were no orange people in the UK. I’ve grown rather fond of them. I like their streaky stained hands that look like they’ve had an unfortunate toilet incident. I think they make our country exotic and diverse and ‘reem’. They keep us in touch with reality (shows).

Ukip’s policy is based on a dislike for people of colour and immigrants and a love of all things quintessentially English. But the very patron saint of England, Saint George is originally from Syria. Saint George was an immigrant himself. I think where UKIP’s beliefs and policies would really go down well is actually not in the UK but in Magaluf. UKIP are campaigning to the wrong audience. Way of life in Magaluf is basically the UKIP manifesto. English people getting drunk with English people, collectively complaining about ‘foreign muck’. UKIP should immigrate there. In fact I think they would if they weren’t so anti-immigration. Their very own policies are actually holding themselves back too.

The thing with UKIP is they want a Purest state, like ISIS want a purely Islamic State. But is pure always desirable? I’m proud to say that I am a mongrel, a mix of Egyptian and Irish. And although being half Arab and Irish makes me ideal for a career in Terrorism it also makes me well rounded culturally. Culture; a collaboration of colour, diversity and ethnicity is Symphony not noise. It was poet John Agard who noted this in his poem Half-Caste. He embraces his roots and defies convention, whilst challenging the derogatory term ‘Half-Caste; he redefines it. He writes the poem phonetically in his mother tongue dialect for further cultural effect.

when yu say half-caste
yu mean tchaikovsky
sit down at dah piano
an mix a black key
wid a white key
is a half-caste symphony?

UKIP want a NISIS. A Non Immigrant State. But what they actually are is a fucking state. A NISIS isn’t nicest.

I’m also not keen on the Tories. The only Tory I’m a fan of is Tory Spelling, ex actress of Beverley Hills 90210 fame. I have massive respect for her mainly because she named her E reality show True Tory.

Long s(tory) short, the Tories are the reverse Robin Hood (again not to be confused with a sex position in Cosmo magazine). They take from the poor and give to the rich. Just think Conservatory. And who has Conservatories? Rich people.

So who else is there left to vote for? I would say Labour. But Ed Miliband looks like a right pillock eating a bacon sandwich. And who wants that in a Prime Minister?

Why can’t we have someone sexy to vote for like the Americans do. Like Obama or Hilary Clinton. Diversity is so important to me. I champion diversity so much, I only wish there was a black, working class, gay woman in a wheel chair to vote for, It’d be so much easier.

Saying that sod it, I’m voting Russell brand. It’s what he wants.