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June 29, 2016 6:47 am

The E.U referendum proved that most people applied the same theory to voting that they do to farts. We are better out.

A whopping 52 per cent of us believe that we are better off without the E.U. That means, and I’m no mathematician, that over half of us (50 % plus 2 people, Farage and Boris) pronounce E.U, EWWWW, as in they think it’s totally gross. This 52% think we are like vodka, stronger alone. Even though vodka is a Russian export.

Alas, Remainers, rest assure, (only on British shores now though)I reckon that quitting the E.U will probably take as long as it took me to quit the gym. And we’ll no doubt continue to receive email updates from the E.U each month, tempting us back with tantalising offers of what we are missing. Want a better (Governing) body? No I do not.

In my heart of hearts I am hoping we never actually go through with leaving the E.U. One of those things we say we’re going to do but never actually get round to doing it. Like putting the bins out.

I did actually really enjoy the run up to Brexit. It was ground-breaking to see the right wing, proudly proclaiming that they’re ‘out’. And just in time for Pride Week. It’s revolutionary that they are finally encouraging people to be out and proud. How far, far right politics has become indeed! A bit too far mind; we meant out of the closet not out of Europe. Nonetheless, it still is an excellent reflection of how liberal the right wing ideology is becoming.

I think people thought ‘Brexit’ was a cool thing to do because it’s a bit like ‘Kimye’ or ‘Brangelina’, or ‘Bennifer’. It’s catchy ‘Brexit’. Many Twitterers (Twits) have pointed out that Brexit sounds like a breakfast cereal. If it were a breakfast cereal I think it would be the equivalent of Lucky Charms, in that consuming Brexit may cause you to behave like an overactive kid on Smack. It certainly wouldn’t be the Coco Pops of Cereals, ‘Brexit’ doesn’t advocate turning anything White, Brown.

Politics would be more progressive if people didn’t think ‘Brexit’ was a breakfast cereal or a celebrity couple. And we just called a spade a spade. (Although sometimes we don’t call a spade, a spade, we call it a shovel). If we called it ‘British exit ‘and not ‘Brexit’, people would have understood it in more literal terms. Removing Britain from Europe. Not removing Europe from Britain. You can take the Brit out of Europe but you can never take the Europe out of Britain. There will always be a need for Tesco Finest Hummus and Panne Chocolate. Hell, what are we supposed to do with all the Pret A Mangers and Patisserie Valeries? Send them back too? Let’s not bite the European hand that feeds us.

Nigel Farage bragged we would spend the 350 million that we spend on the E.U on the NHS each year. He later retracted that promise when grilled by Susannah Reid on Good Morning Britain apres the referendum. Note, I’ve used the French word ‘apres’ meaning ‘after’ because, well, why the fuck not? We haven’t left yet, goddamnit. Anyway, back to Susannah Reid grilling Farage. Now sometimes I get distracted because Susannah has a cracking pair of legs and wears really nice figure hugging dresses but I was so enraged by Farage, my primal urges momentarily subsided. I was just totally enthralled by the sheer horror that was unraveling before my eyes. Susannah (who was wearing another one of her sexy red numbers again) pointed out that the basis of Farage’s Leave campaign was to spend the E.U money on the NHS. Once he secured the ‘Leave’ verdict his NHS promises become all the more vague. To be fair Nigel looks like the sort of guy that says he’s going to spend money on the greater good but in reality will actually just spend it, down the pub. Like Robert Carlyle in Angela’s Ashes.

But if he does stay true to his word, it’s just as well that we will have more money to spend on the NHS because most of the NHS staff, the doctors and nurses that save millions of lives each year, are immigrants and will probably want to flee the U.K now, because we’re making them feel about as welcome as Cystitis at a 3 day music festival. We can use that 350 million on recruiting an all new, brand spanking white Arian supreme race NHS team though. Won’t that be nice.*

Also we don’t need the E.U because we have our own exclusive British club, the Common Wealth. In the fact that we have a lot of wealthy common people like Kerry Katona and Katie Price (nee Jordan) who make our country great. They are from great British towns like Warrington and Staines. Not places that sound like they’re from Narnia. Kerry Katona and Katie Price have learnt English well enough to be coherent on episodes of Loose Women. Now that’s integrating yourself into society. Having the language skills to talk about Geordie Shore and Stay at Home Husbands.

With the exception of Nadiya Hussein who won Great British Bake Off, not many foreigners integrate themselves into British society. Nadiya Hussein may cover her hair but she does so because she is a Baker and she knows no one wants to find a pube in their Spotted Dick. It’s a hair net, not a hijab. People need to take a leaf out of Nadiya Hussein’s book. Next time you want to wear a burka why not stop, think, integrate and wear a balaclava? It’s much more British.

What put voters off staying in the E.U is saying ‘I love E.U’ sounds like saying ‘I love you’ in a French accent and who wants to do anything like the French? Apart from cook, dress, drink, eat and make love.

I prefer to get my political education on the referendum in my local Wetherspoons. They promised their customers the truth and an unbiased view about the Leave/ Remain debate. I know it was unbiased because their leaflet advertising political enlightenment had a picture of Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage on it. This was below a 241 curry club Wednesday poster. Curry. None of that foreign Polish muck, proper English food. Curry.

I really liked how Wetherspoons offered this political introspect on the Brexit situation to their clientele. Shortly after entering Wetherspoons I overheard a girl ask her friend ‘Hey Tracy are you going, out or are you going out, out?’ It’s really great to see Wetherspoons provoking such political thought.

I think as long as we continue to learn about culture, society and politics in our local Wetherspoons then the British people can really only succeed.

I’d now like to take this opportunity to thank all the 52 per cent that voted Leave. And I would also like to leave you, Leavers with this quote:

Please excuse my French when I say:

‘Je t’emmerde’

‘Not everyone that voted leave is racist, but everyone who is racist voted leave’ Billy Bragg 

*sarcasm