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August 6, 2017 3:11 pm

You know when you get some sad news but it’s not like devastatingly sad it’s just a little bit sad but you make out that it’s devastatingly sad just so you can get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do? So, like, the other day my mum’s three legged one eyed cat Malcolm finally died and I used the sad news to get out of having to take the bins out, unload the dishwasher and giving a blowjob. It was bloody great! I was like, ‘Yeah I was really close to my mum’s cat, we were like bros.So I don’t think I’m quite ready to lift a finger.’ Even though in real life I hated his guts. He was the dumbest, most miserable, shittest cat ever. And I really resented how much of my mum’s attention he took up.

I mean even in death. She spent £220 quid on his ashes, planted a tree in the garden in his honour and got a commemorative marble plaque made for him, saying ‘Rest In Paws’. I mean it’s all very nice and everything going to all this effort for him but if I die how’s she going to outdo the funeral she gave to the sodding cat?

However I did really like my excuse of ‘I’m really sorry but I’m too sad to do stuff I don’t want to do because my beloved cat just died’ and it got me thinking about excuses we use to get out of doing stuff we don’t want to do. I mean why can’t we just say we don’t want to do something, why do we have to have an excuse?

Being a comic I regularly use my gigs and comedy commitments to get out of a lot of obligatory social functions which I don’t particularly care for like hen do’s, weddings, baby showers, funerals and spending time with my boyfriend.  It was basically one of the main reasons why I fell in love with the art form. It gave me an excuse to get out of stuff.

Alas, now I am older and wiser I like to be more honest. Sarah Millican recently said on her Standard Issue podcast (check it out, its proper brill), that now when she doesn’t want to do something she just tells them straight that she doesn’t want to do it. No excuses. Just a brazen, ‘because I don’t want to.’ I find that so refreshing.

Mate: Hi Zahra, do you fancy helping me move out? Be really nice to hang out with you all day and we can like catch up on each others’ lives and have a real girls’ day moving boxes up and down stairs all day. And also maybe you can come to IKEA and you can help me choose a dining room table.
Me: No actually I don’t.
Mate: What, why?

Me: Because I don’t Want to do that. At all. Bye.

My life would be so much better if I said stuff like that. I mean I would have fewer Friends, but what’s the point in friends anyway? They are just people you have in your life that bring you happiness and joy. Totally overrated.

I wish David Cameron did the same thing when he quit prime ministering our country.
Why don’t you want to Prime Minister anymore, David Cameron? And he could go all Billie Piper circa 1997 :
‘Because I want to. Because I want to.’

Instead he said he was quitting because we voted ourselves out of Europe. Which is ridiculous because he asked for it! If you don’t like the answer to a question Dave (can I call ya Dave?) don’t ask it. Every woman knows that.

David Cameron asked the political equivalent of ‘Does my bum look big in this’ by asking ‘anyone wanna leave Europe?’ and got the answer no woman ever wants to hear.
‘Errrr…… Yeah actually you do look like you’ve put on a little weight actually, yeah you’re definitely fatter and your bum looks big but not in a sexy Kim Kardashian way, in a kind of old matron from call the midwife way.’ NOOOOOOOO!!!
Cue Sam Cam madly packing and  preparing the kids to say goodbye to The Downing Street Cat. (Not the only Pussy who has resided there unfortunately).

I wish he was just honest and said, ‘I can’t be arsed to take a country through Brexit. It’s way too much admin. Me and Sam just wanna go down the pub and forget all about our responsibilities like our daughter and running the country and the fact that at University I shoved my cock into a pig.’
Dave: Sammy darling, why do they have to Brexit, I mean you know how much I love the chorizo we get from Spain.
Sam Cam: Why do you have to mention That Pig again?
Dave: Sorry Spam.
Sam Cam: Fuck you.

I wish people could be honest when leaving relationships too. Instead of saying ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ they should just be honest and say:
‘I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore because I’ve started intensely disliking your face and every fibre of your being.’

Or when someone tries to make you go to Therapy. I wish I could just say, ‘No I don’t want to go to Therapy. I’m sorry but the only Therapy I’m getting is an all body exfoliating massage from my beauty therapist. I don’t care if I have deep underlying issues that I need to resurface, I have some deep ingrown hairs that need to be brought to the surface first.’

(My hair is naturally curly, so I’m prone to ingrown hairs unfortunately).

Look, I’ve done stuff I don’t want to do, don’t get me wrong. I mean the other day I went to a sober bar. That’s a bar with no booze to you and me. Now I don’t know why sober people can’t just make do with a late night Starbucks or Costa or whatever I don’t know why they have to come over here and take all our  bars and turn them into some sort of night time sordid smoothie place. Which is what a non alcoholic cocktail is by the way. It’s a smoothie. That’s what it is. They make it sound sexy by calling it a Virgin Mary or a No Sex On The Beach. Mate, I just saw you open a carton of Five Alive.

The reason I went to the sober bar in the first place is because my boyfriend is tee total and I wanted to show my support for his sobriety. I wholeheartedly support it, I mean he’s American he doesn’t need to get any louder. But I didn’t really want to go to a sober bar, I wouldn’t have chosen to go there on another occasion. I went there for him because I knew it would make him happy and I managed to actually have a really good time….. with the aid of my secret hip flask full of gin. Oh and FYI why call a sober bar ‘Redemption’, why not go with the obvious choice of: ‘So Bar’?

So I still advocate doing things you don’t want to do for other people. Like charity work, agreeing to be a god parent or telling the police that you were the one driving. But don’t do it at the detriment of your sanity. It’s ok to say, “No I don’t want to do that, I’ll see you another time when you’re not doing that.” We feel a certain societal pressure to be people pleasers. It’s sometimes healthy to just please yourself though. It makes you a nicer, less resentful person in the long run which ultimately makes you a better friend.

What I’m saying is we should bring back the ‘Just Say No’ campaign but instead of drugs it’s things like:
‘Do you want to go to Gladtonbury Festival?’
‘Do you want to come with me to Primark, I know I got an STI last time I was there trying on a bikini but its so worth it, theres dresses there for a fiver.’
God, No.
‘Do you want to go camping?’
No. Never.
‘Do you want to come to IKEA with me?’
Always no.
‘Do you want to watch the new Twilight film?’
No. No. No.
Do you want to come with me to the Zayn Malik concert?

Because well, Zayn Malik is like well fit.

Now I’m not saying be a right knob to your friends and not do anything they want to do, I’m just saying get the balance right. There’s no shame in saying no to things. You don’t need to use your cat dying as an excuse. People will admire your honesty if you just say, ‘because I don’t want to”. Just don’t say no to everything because you might miss out on a Zayn Malik concert.

Thank you. This is the end of the blog. But for some DVD Extras please see below.
(And people say I don’t give back to my fans).

My top excuses of all time: (I’ve genuinely used all of these)

Always start each excuse with
‘I’d love to but….’
I’m washing my hair

My cat died

I can’t afford it

I’ve got the shits

I’m on my period

I waxed my upper lip and it’s still red so I can’t leave the house

I’ve just defrosted a chicken so I have to eat it tonight

I’ve got no clean knickers left

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