Kiss The Rain

I’m no Michael Fish, but the recent proclamations from UKIP blaming the heavy rain on the fact that we are now a country that does not prohibit Equal Marriage, has made me contemplate other environmental global issues that might also be a consequence of homosexuality:

Is the fact that we have an ever growing hole in the ozone layer down to Lesbians? (They like ripping holes).

Or that the recent TFL London Underground tube strikes are because we let gay men be gay? (I heard they like to ride the tube).

Is Snow the frozen ejaculation of Transgendered people?

I’ve asked UKIP to comment on the above but they were stuck between a rock and hard place on Brighton Pier.

So I guess we’ll just have to make up our own minds. But it did indeed get me thinking:

For instance isn’t it strange how the countries most threatened by water shortages are the countries that oppress Homosexuality? Libya, Syria, Egypt, Iran, Saudi Arabia all incredibly hot, dry countries thirsty for some gay love. In actual fact, us Brits should be in a state of celebration: ‘It’s raining gay men. Halleluiah it’s raining gay men.’ (I love singing in the rain).

UKIP don’t sing though, they chant: ‘Rain, rain go away, come again another gay.’

It’s also worth noting that the most iconic romantic scenes in movies are always when the man and the woman are kissing in the rain. It’s literally like gay men are blessing their relationship and showering them with love. Sadly heteros do not repay this act of kindness in a similar cinematic way. Unless we count the film ‘An Officer and a Gentlemen’ where the costume designer credited the influence of The Village People.

So back to the weather. If gay people are responsible for the weather, does that mean it’s more politically correct to refer to The Met Office as The Metro Sexual Office? And what about Rhianna’s number 1 single ‘Umbrella’? Is it in fact a secret expression of her homophobia? To be fair Rhianna’s good, but she’s no Kylie and CERTAINLY no Cher. Ever noticed how Cher only became a gay icon when she dropped Sunny? She went from Sunny and Cher to just Cher and in seconds her gay following soared. Makes sense if gay people make rain, they certainly don’t want anything Sunny drying it all up.  UKIP’s revelations have also made me re-evaluate the term: clouding over. I mean, does that mean someone’s about to come out of the closet?

It all seems so ludicrous. I mean I don’t know about you but I’m starting to think this is all a rumour started by weathermen who are fed up of getting the blame for everything. I mean weathermen get blamed for everything, don’t they? Even popular 90’s Irish girl band B*witched sung about it and everything. Homosexuals are a weatherman’s scape goat. Someone better go down to Brighton Pier and warn those UKIP guys. I mean don’t these UKIP guys know you should never, EVER rain on a gay parade or steal their thunder?! If they continue to do so they could end up mincing their words.