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August 17, 2015 6:48 pm

News about the beloved Cecil the Lion getting brutally killed for sadistic sport by Walter Palmer has given us even more of a reason not to visit the dentist. But then again we are British, we went through a large proportion of the 20th century with bad teeth, so no biggie. The news also increased ticket sales to The Lion King musical but, alas, I must not tigress, I mean digress. (Sorry).

Walter Palmer might sound like a peaceful resort in the Seychelles, but in actuality Walter Palmer is more like the wildlife equivalent of Harold Shipman. Walter paid 35 grand to kill poor, little, defenceless, innocent, vulnerable Cecil. If this blog was available to download as an audio book, that part would have been read by the RSPCA Voice Over Man (the rest by David Attenborough). But why did Walter do such a thing? He was on holiday in Zimbabwe and looking for an adrenaline rush? What’s wrong with a Banana Boat? That’s about as wild as I get on vacation. Shooting the King of the Jungle? Maybe Walter is anti- monarchy? But I thought Prince George and his cute chubby cheeks were acting as a successful Republican Slayer?

Walter did it to feel big in what is known as a ‘Trophy Hunt’. A bit like when my mum’s three legged cat Malcolm came home with a decapitated bird to impress me. What I’m saying here is Walter, you are a Pussy, and you barely have a leg to stand on. Like I said to my cat, Malcolm at the time, ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’. (Thanks Shania).
Most men when they want to make themselves or their penis’ look bigger spend 35 grand on a Jaguar (car) not a Lion. I guess in some ways Walter did fulfil his intention though. Now when most people look at him they do think, yes, ‘massive dick’.

Now I know journalistically I am supposed to remain impartial and unbiased (thank you Ted Talk) but what sort of sick twisted knob head pays 35 grand to kill a lion? I am a firm believer in taking animal cruelty seriously as I really do believe it alerts us to the potential of these people committing more serious crimes in the future. Now, in black and white terms Walter’s intentions of shooting a lion within the designated area was totally legal and he is getting some sympathy for this technicality from a minute proportion of the public as he awaits trial.

The only reason this whole episode has been so public and called into scrutiny is because Cecil was a national treasure and was killed in a non- legit area. But it has drawn to attention the argument for making any killing of wildlife as a sport illegal. This is why I am campaigning for NO Simba Fee.

Up until now I had no idea that this holiday activity existed. I mean I was aware that poaching existed and wasn’t just a low fat way to cook eggs but unnecessary violence towards exotic and beautiful creatures for a price, legal? Are you having a giraffe? (Sorry). This recent revelation has left me dumbfounded and appalled. It should be a crime not a sport. Regardless of Cecil being a ‘national treasure’, violence towards any Lion, Giraffe, Elephant or any other exotic wild animal for no good reason simply should not be tolerated. I mean Shakira could martyr herself up next. (She’s an exotic beautiful creature, oh my god LOVE her #GIRLCRUSH). The whole activity and the laws surrounding it are just preposterous and inhumane.

Cecil, was a national treasure in Zimbabwe. That’s the equivalent of someone paying 35 grand to kill off Mr Blobby. Can you just imagine the pink and yellow massacre? Like sitting on a box of Mr Kipling’s French Fancys while on your period. Oh Blobby. (Sorry).

I mean don’t get me wrong some days I am so sleep deprived I’d kill for a Lie in, but a Lion? What was Walter thinking? Maybe someone should tell him he can eat a whole load of Penguins if he buys a multi pack from Iceland for well under a fiver. Might that satisfy his animalistic Machiavellian hunger?

Walter is currently awaiting trial. But in the meantime his dentist surgery in the States has been swamped with a stark mix of threatening messages combined with a flood of cuddly toy tributes to Cecil. His front door resembles some sort of Disney Genocide Lion King Holocaust.

But as with all tragedies we have to at least be thankful that this news is raising awareness of the controversy of trophy hunting whilst getting people interested and active, rather than passive to issues in wildlife preservation and conservation.

This is why its great that this No Simba Fee Petition is being sent to Robert Mugabe to persuade him to make Trophy Hunting illegal in Zimbabwe. I’m positive that this can be done, Mugabe is a decent enough bloke and I’m pretty sure he’s a Disney fan. I can see the headlines now ‘President Mugabe: Lion Heart.’ ( a bit like Mel Gibson’s Brave Heart but less anti-Semitic).

Next step lets make Trophy Wives illegal and lets write to ITV Be to get them to cancel Real Housewives (and while we’re at it the entire channel).
RIP Cecil. Keep roaring.

Sign the petition here

*suggested reading material to accompany this blog: Katy Perry : Roar

*’Hakuna Matata’ actually means ‘don’t kill cecil’ in Zimbabwe

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