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Pushing The Envelope: Open Letters

Pushing The Envelope: Open Letters
Pushing The Envelope: Open Letters
November 2, 2013 6:06 pm

Open Letters are like open relationships. A fun idea in theory but ultimately one person is going to get hurt and the other person is going to look like a dick.

With the Royal Mail selling off its shares, the ever escalating price of stamps and the general postage system in disarray its no wonder we have had a lot of people (most noticeably celebs) writing ‘Open Letters’ to one another. Up until a few months ago I thought the term ‘Open Letter’ was an instruction,(a bit like ‘Open Sesame’ but less enchanting) not a medium of communication. A medium of communication for the celebrity it seems, where the sole objective is to rather cuttingly and cleverly undermine a fellow celeb (or ‘sleb’ for short) for being ‘a bit of a knob’. The ‘Open Letter’ is eloquent in style, patronizing in undertone.  They say the best revenge is living well. The recent media frenzy surrounding the cult of the ‘Open Letter’ suggests that revenge is actually not just living well, but writing well. A good ‘Open Letter’ (one that uses big words and comments on our current social, political and cultural scene) could get you in such prestigious broadsheets as The Guardan or The Times. Ooooer…….
Sinead O’Connor wrote one to Miley Cyrus. Russell Brand received one from Robert Webb. Analysing these ‘open letters’ and rendering the general structure of them into layman terms; these letters consist of a mix of two types of statement:
Statement 1:  a cunning fusion of sickeningly sweet yet patronising phrases along the lines of ‘I love your work but……..’ fused with the more hard hitting and callous impact of……
Statement 2:  ‘You don’t know what you are talking about and are essentially contributing to the death of society and thus ruining the world.’
Combined with articulate and fervent use of language of course. I mean the writer of an ‘open letter’ almost certainly uses (As if Sinead O’Connor has ’empowerment’ in her vocabulary). And also has access to information source sites to maintain a certain façade of intellect. For example, I’m pretty sure Robert Webb had to Wikepedia the date (1649) of when England told Charles 1 to ‘do one’ when responding to Russell’s call for Revolution.
Speaking of Russell Brand, he himself is particularly infamous for his grandiloquent terms of phrase.  In fact you have to admire Robert Webb attempting to go head to head with ‘Wordsworth’ himself. Russell’s adept use of  phraseology combined with his tenacious spirit and his quite clearly profound skill as a Master Debator (say that quickly sounds rude) warns most contenders off. (Minus Katy Perry obvs.) I think Brand, with his poetic grasp of the English Language could convince me to do almost anything- like, lick Nick Griffin’s dirty underwear or worse:  do a Zumba class. (Brrrrr). Yes, Russell’s powers of persuasion are much to be commended.
So massive respect to Robert Webb for actually taking him on. As much as I agreed and admired Russell’s call for change, I do not agree with his stance on not voting. Unless he meant not voting for X Factor. Because people who vote for X Factor are DICKS. I am definitely anti voting when it comes to that (I’m more of a Britain’s Got Talent gal). Oh yeah and kudos to Sinead O’Connor for telling Miley to put some clothes on. I’ve seen far too much of that girl’s sledgehammer.
However the recent constant flow of celebrities with sociological agendas penning ‘Open Letters’ to other celebrities with conflicting sociological agendas has made me want to write an ‘Open Letter’ of my own.
So here goes.
To Michael Fish. ( What can I say. I got beef).
Dear Michael,
I value the meteorological system as much as the next guy.  A great many of my friends have gone on to gain NVQ’s in Environmental Studies stating you as their inspiration. I also use your scientifically approved weather reports to determine the denier of my tights and also whether it is entirely essential to spend £36.45 on a French Connection brolly or just get one from the pound shop and be done with it.
But did your Mum ever tell you the story about The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Michael, YOU are the boy that cried ‘Storm’. This week you and your team of professional fortune tellers and astrologers said that the vicinity around London and Bath (where I was travelling between on that fateful night) would be stormed upon. Mirroring The Great Storm of ’87. Now pardon me- I don’t really remember what The Great Storm of ’87 was like (being one years old at the time and more interested in throwing my toys out of the pram and putting my foot in my mouth-which to be fair I still do today but in a very different way) but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t like what I experienced last weekend. Which was at worst:  persistent, if a little relentless rain with less wind than a vegetarian on the cabbage soup diet.
Michael your fabrications were quite frankly Fishy.
I spoke to several of your work colleagues at The Met Office (yeah I do my research for these blogs, readers) who have also experienced your short comings. One guy said ‘Michael came in one morning very distressed after having a stormy argument with his wife, in actual fact it turned out to be just a light disagreement’ and another quipped ‘Michael and I were in a bar drinking cocktails. Michael said his Dark N Stormy was very strong but when I tried it, it was so weak it was practically a virgin’.
The furore around the expected storm meant I started to take precautionary methods.
I mean I bought my washing in and everything. I bought an 8 pack tin of beans. I made sure the vehicle I was travelling in that weekend was AA registered or at the very least RAC. I even bought along an inflatable pillow.
Oh Michael. I know you got your MBE reporting The Great Storm Of ’87 but trying to manipulate a knighthood by feigning The Great Strom of 2013 is quite frankly corrupt.
And it is for that very reason that I have chosen to write this Open Letter to you. That and I’ve always wanted an article published in a high end newspaper. And also I could do with some publicity.
Yours Sincerely,
Zahra Barri
Oh and one more:
Dear Page 3 Girls,
Put some clothes on.
Yours Sincerely,
Zahra Barri

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