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May 12, 2016 4:28 pm

I quit the gym this week. If you ever want to feel loved, needed, wanted, yearned and that someone can’t physically survive without you, then I thoroughly recommend you quit the gym. The infamous Friends episode where Ross tries to quit the gym unsuccessfully never did ring so true. I reckon it’s probably easier to get a divorce then quit the gym. In fact I think it was, as Ross Gellor got divorced three times on the show and only managed to quit the gym once. Don’t say that to Gary Linekar though, who is selflessly and tirelessly campaigning for divorces to be made easier after his current divorce to Danielle Linekar went down the pan. Good on you Gary, what a Samaritan, the world needs more people like you pioneering for the causes that really matter.

 But back to quitting the gym. Quitting the gym requires perseverance, strength, dedication and determination, all the qualities you have probably gained ironically at the gym. You have to jump through so many hoops to get them to finally realise that you don’t want to spend your weekday evenings jumping through hoops. Their Hoola Hooping class really wasn’t for me.

Now they don’t make it easy to quit the gym. You cant just send an email, you have to break up with them in person.

I explained to Jonathan at the YMCA, I said ‘young man….’:
Me: I would like to quit the gym, please.
Jonathan: ………..but why?
Me: because I’ve moved house and no longer have a shit shower.
He desperately tried to tempt me with the offer of trampoline classes but I told him my new place also had a much better bed. I then proceeded to tell him that ‘The only thing I really would miss about quitting the gym is the unlimited access to GHD straighteners’. Mine are Babyliss, biggest mistake of my life.

I also told Jonathan that the complimentary Personal Trainer that he had assigned me with during my initiation period was not up to par. He kept telling me to ‘go’ all the time and I kept telling him ‘I don’t want to let myself Go, that’s exactly why I’m here.’
I worked out (not at the gym) that if I quit the gym and saved the £54.90 (not including towels!!) a month, in a year I would be able to afford liposuction. So it was a no brainer really.

Now I know I’m not fat or anything but every girl wants to lose a few pounds and I have put on a lot of weight, since, I was born. My target weight would be both Olsen Twins collectively plus Posh Spice’s right arm. I do think the mannequins in women’s’ clothes shops are too thin. I was in Zara Kids last week and the mannequins were tiny!! So bad. I’ve got a friend who wants to be a size 8-10. I didn’t realise she meant 8-10 years.

A lot of girls in this country have eating disorders but on the other side a lot of girls in this country have drinking disorders. You know the girls that think eating is cheating so they don’t have pizza they have a bottle of wine, they don’t have cake they have a bottle of wine, they don’t have feelings they have a bottle of wine.

It’s very hard not having the emotional capacity to have feelings. The other day my emotionless friend couldn’t work out whether she was crying because she had hay fever or if she was actually crying. It was very hard to work out because the pollen levels were high but she was also on her period. This particular friend is such a feminist inspiration to me, not only is she dead inside but the only types of Men that control her are Menstruation and Menopause. But sometimes I do question what’s going on inside of her, which sounds more salacious than I have intended.

My point being is that we put so much focus on the physical, and how we look on the outside and how great our lives look on social media that we don’t actually care about what’s really happening on the inside?

Quitting the gym, literally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I’ve never felt so free and so rich. So much so, that I celebrated by treating myself to something that had nothing to do with how I looked on the outside. But how I smelt on the outside. So I treated myself to expensive Perfume. Well, I went to my local Boots and had a few free spritz of the new Prada.  Can I just say that if Kim Kardashian is reading this blog and is looking for a name for her new perfume, might I suggest ‘I Kan, Yeah’.

Anyway, just because I have quit the gym doesn’t mean im not exercising. The other day I got off the tube at Convent Garden and thought about skipping the lift and climbing the 158 steps to the top. And the only thing that stopped me, the ONLY thing was the warning that it was only advisable in an emergency. But as I crammed myself under some hipster’s armpit and beside a gothic teen, I thought to myself, with the money I’ve saved from quitting the gym I could have got, should have got, an Uber. Which is also the new Beverley Knight remix.

Now I know quitting is seen as a bad thing. People say stuff like ‘I’m no quitter’ as they nonchalantly smoke on a cigarette. Like a renegade, sticking two fingers up at convention, a wild lone cowboy amongst all, not giving up, defiant, despite all the signs (coronary heart disease) that they are fighting a losing battle. But sometimes quitting can be good. Like, take Zayn Malik. He quit One Direction and look at him now. He wants for nothing. He’s come so far. He is adored by fans, has bags of cash and a pretty lady on his arm (not to be confused with Harry Styles). He would never have had all that without quitting One Direction. Quitting One Direction has made him a global superstar.

But to avoid the negative stigma of quitting, why not say abdicate? I can hold my head up high and say I have abdicated the Gym. Sounds so regal. My Walis Simpson was my Achilles heel. I had developed a dodgy heel from cheap Primark trainers used at the gym. My love for my heel to heal was more important than any gym membership could tempt me. And even if another Gym asked me out, EVEN if the fee included free towels, I’d still say no. That’s how strong quitting the gym has made me.

I get my gym kicks other ways. If I want to be next to sweaty, groaning people I take the Central Line. If I want to see curvaceous, middle aged women parading their bushes and boobs about I watch re runs of Charlie Dimmock on Ground Force on UKTV Gold.

Now I’m not saying quitting is for everyone. But now that’s summer is here, enjoy it! Go outside and stop and take a minute to smell the rose wine. Summer is well and truly here, don’t spend all 4 days of it at the Gym.