back to homepage

September 14, 2012 10:31 pm

I was going to call this blog Titilating, Humiliating Bollocks, as this month has seen a humiliating sandwich of private parts. Royal private parts to be specific. Yes, its been a very exposing month for The Royals. A month before if you asked me what a naked Royal was I would have told you its a meal at Burger King, but now I would tell you its, well a Royal, naked. Good enough to eat indeed. I’ll have my Naked Royal with Cheese or do I mean a Naked Royal Saying Cheese?

Firstly a naked Prince Harry in Vegas and then a topless Kate in a French gossip magazine. Let’s start with naked Harry on the front page of The Sun (not Page 3 bizzarely). Shame it wasn’t Page 3, I could just imagine his blurb below his naked loins ‘Harry is from London, enjoys going to Vegas, dressing up as a Nazi and generally embarrassing and disgracing his well to do family’. Anyone who says James Hewitt’s his real Dad, can think again! His total lack of political correctness is clearly inherited from his grandfather, Prince Philip, who, let’s face was probably responsible for The South Korea/ North Korea Olympic flag mix up.

To be honest I wasn’t shocked by Prince Harry’s naked behaviour in Vegas. In fact how many other weekends has he had with his trousers down in a drunken haze? Any normal person can count at least 4 or 5 a month, hey? But this one, he was unfortunate, he got caught. He was betrayed by some conniving phoney posing as a loyal friend. The whole debacle was reminiscent of a silly, teenage stoner’s film featuring Ashton Kutcher, aptly named ‘Your Highness Where Are Your Clothes?’. What I found interesting was the public reaction and the tentative (and ridiculous) way in which the British Press finally revealed the pic. The Sun Intern (why not hire a Prince Harry lookalike-is The Sun’s budget really that low?) posing in a reconstruction of the hotel room scenario, which let’s be honest we all found on the internet as soon as the story broke anyhow. I know I did. Despite it being reported somewhat earnestly in The News (although some journalists looked as though they were repressing smirks whilst reporting) for a good week and discussed and analysed more times than far more important stories like ‘Are Britain’s Children Starving In Poverty?’, also a headline that week.

However despite the serious and critical in-depth coverage (pardon the pun)of the story, the general consensus towards it was jocular, comical, silly. Oh Harry’s a right naughty boy! Prince Harry with his twinkle in his eyes and his cheeky grin, and the fact that he doesn’t hold the whole ‘going to be King one day’ burden on his shoulders, well we expect him to let his hair down or should I say heir down, every once in a while, don’t we?

Kate Middleton, however we certainly do not. She has been an absolute picture of elegance, regality, class. She is demure, beautiful, sincere with that all important air of mystique. With her pristine etiquette; she is delicate and fragile. Learning of the topless pictures printed in a French version of Closer magazine (shouldn’t it be called Closeur by the way?) I was outraged. Leave her alone! How dare you!? I felt sympathy and protective towards her, unlike my reaction to Harry. Hell, he’s a jack the lad. Kate is practically virginal in comparison!

These photos are private. Unlike Harry I don’t believe she was drunk or behaving brashly. She was on holiday with friends and family; relaxing and sunbathing topless. Perfectly innocent. However apart of me did think, it is London Fashion Week, perhaps she is setting another trend and the topless look will be in Primark by October?

However unlike the Harry incident I did not search for the topless pics online. Mainly because I didn’t think she would be as well endowed as Harry was and also I’m a woman I have access to boobs 24/7. But mainly because I felt sorry for her and didn’t want to give the media any more fuel that this was in the public interest.

What really bugs me about these stories. Is the culture we live in. Instead of talking about and getting outraged by what’s happening in the Middle East, Police Cover Ups or what The Coalition are doing for this country, we get fired up about whose sex tapes been leaked, who got their breasts out or who went into Anne Summers at the weekend. If only The Media spent less time exposing the Tits and Arses of celebrities and more time exposing the corrupt Tits and Arses of our society. We’re so shallow, simple and blind to what is really happening right under our noses because we are tantalised, distracted and fascinated by celebrity titilation and humiliation.

Now don’t get me wrong I love Celebrity Gossip. I’m a comedian I feed off it…..but let’s face it they’re not celebrities as we rarely celebrate them; we love to commiserate their mistakes-they should be called Commiseraties. You only have to look at the front of pathetic, trashy magazines like Closer (the very publication which printed these photos) to see that we love to build someone up only to bring them down. That and how much weight they’ve lost or put on.

Why don’t we focus on the real Kate news this week which was her and William’s tour of The Far East, visiting dying children in hospital and making them smile for the first time in weeks. Isn’t that more news worthy and inspiring than Kate’s tits? At least she can get advice from her sister Pippa on how to deal with a nation obsessed with one part of her body. All we seem to get from The Middletons is Tits and Arse, dear oh dear. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the amount of attention received over Pippa’s arse last year, a period I personally like to refer to as ‘Pipparsey’.

Its a lucky coincidence that the same week this story broke, is the same week I signed up, supported and followed on Twitter @NoMorePage3 a campaign which does exactly what it says on the tin. Maybe if we took this all important baby step of terminating Page 3 and dedicating the new Page 3 to exposing real stories that are didactic, educational, political, meaningful, artistic or sientific-ie have some substance. Thought provoking articles about the state of the world, not a pathetic, degrading photo of a topless fame hungry girl dead behind the eyes, for some man to objectify. We want bigger issues on page 3 not something which requires bigger tissues!

Maybe then our culture would start to mature away from a nutitionally redundant cottage cheese into a fine piece of stilton. Oh yes I just did a cheese metaphor. And on that note I’m off to sunbathe topless in my garden while reading Page 3 of a newspaper that has entered the 21st Century.