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November 4, 2014 9:14 pm

This year I decided to go as Renee Zellweger for Halloween. It was either that or Ebola.  My Renee costume was so good I was unrecognisable as myself.  It even topped the time, as an 8 year old kid in Saudi Arabia, I went as a Sand Witch. I like to draw inspiration from the materials around me. Saudi Arabia has a lot of sand and a lot of women dressed in black capes.

I knew my costume was pretty bang on Renee when people at the party were coming up to me and proclaiming in shocked bemused amazement, ‘I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?’ This may have also been because I turned up at the wrong party but still……

I’m not really into Halloween to be honest. I mean if I wanted to see scary, glaring orange faces that have gone under the knife I’d watch The Only Way Is Essex. But I do think Halloween is nice for ugly people. Its the one night a year they can get some Sugar. On the other hand Halloween is unfair for all the Slutty Whores. I mean what can they go as if they are already Slutty Whores? the novelty is lost on them. Poor things.
 
It seems that this year Halloween has been ever more prominent and it does beg the question, ‘Are we turning into Americans?’. What next, will we be celebrating Thanks Giving, Labour, sorry Labor Day or Independence Day even? That’d be weird hey, ‘Happy Day of Handing Over All Our Power Day!’. We could  celebrate by having an Indian and watching that Will Smith film.

After all we are becoming more and more American every day. So I guess it makes sense that Halloween is getting bigger and bigger in the UK. We are almost as fat as the Yanks. In fact the more US Festive Days that we jointly celebrate, chomping on Halloween Candy, eating Thanks Giving Turkey, will ultimately get us closer to the USA’s Obesity Rate.

I suppose if you think about it, it is important that we keep up and are just as fat as the US, I mean if they suddenly turn on us and invade we don’t want to be crushed, we don’t want to literally be punching above our weight with Clegg sobbing in a corner and Cameron pathetically pleading ‘Pick on someone your own size please!’. 

So I guess making Halloween a more prominent festive day helps towards making us a fatter nation, putting us on an even keel with the States and ultimately nurturing that ‘special relationship’. Imitation is the best form of flattery. And I guess its inevitable with the world getting smaller (mainly cos everyone’s getting fatter) it is natural for us to act more American. Halloween isn’t the only example of Britain getting Americanalised, no one can spell any more for instance. 

I just wish that instead of it being Halloween, it’d be a better public holiday that we embrace, like, I don’t know off the top of my head,….. Spring Break……….. and in order for us to properly embrace this American festivity we would, I don’t know HAVE to take the day off work and go to a pool party. You gotta do what you gotta do to maintain that special relationship after all.