Republican Senate, Roy Moore, said that the world has been taken over by ‘sodomy, abortion and materialism’. I disagree. Surely if the world has been taken over by sodomy that eradicates the probability of needing an abortion. In a recent poll, carried out by Les Dennis at The National Office of Statistics, concluded that Anal...
A friend of mine on Facebook (an actual friend not just a Facebook friend- I know this because we WhatsApp too) messaged me the other day and asked me why I hadn’t ‘liked’ or commented or shown some sort of emoji to a memory of a photo of us that she had shared and tagged me...
I got a phone call from a man who took my photos ten years ago. I was shocked. Normally men I meet are really rubbish at phoning me. No man has ever lived up to the fictional boys that used to ring me when playing 90’s board game Dream Phone. Anyway, the photographer from 10...
I wish the people that say that they’re ‘really competitive’ apply it to better things than board games and laser quest. Why are they not competitive at finding cures for cancer or world peace or becoming Britain’s next top model? Something actually useful. I normally look at people who proclaim they’re really competitive, and think...
Dear Deidre, I’ve got this friend that’s a bit of a loser and she’s actually borderline creepy. I think she’s a bit obsessed with me to the point where she has a photo of me as a screensaver on her phone and I would never have one of her. She’s...
I’m really trying to remove my ego but it’s so blooming big it’s taking longer than I thought it would take. A bit like when I thought I could remove my bikini line in a 30 minute appointment slot. I need a lot longer than a 30 minute appointment to remove my bikini line. My...
You know when you get some sad news but it’s not like devastatingly sad it’s just a little bit sad but you make out that it’s devastatingly sad just so you can get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do? So, like, the other day my mum’s three legged one eyed cat Malcolm...
All I have ever really wanted is a job where my boss can’t see my computer screen. I once had a job where I thought my boss couldn’t see my computer screen but after several months of working there I was horrified to realise that he could in fact see my computer screen, out of...
Tragic 90’s star Aaliya famously sang, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again’. From the Latin meaning, ‘If you’re shit first time, give it another go’. It is derivative from the 13th Century ‘Go on my Son!’ proverb. Aaliya wasn’t the first star to advocate numerous ‘Tries’; Tana Umaga, Rob Howley, Will...
No one ever talks about what Hugh Hefner did for women’s rights and Feminism in the same way that we do not talk about what Hitler did for the Vegetarian cause or how he continues to post humously raise awareness of testicular cancer. (Hitler, in case you have never been on a train with chanting...